It’s time for a new beginning.

My previous post was about my ex.  Well, so is this one.  

I promise, I am not grieving over our breakup.  But there’s something about him that I just cannot get over.  The fact that he has replaced me with an Indian version of myself may have something to do with it.  The fact that I wanted to be the one to move on first.  Or possibly because of the fact that I have not been single for years. Whatever reason, I need to vent about him.

Every time I walk by Ayaka, a Japanese restaurant, I always remember the time my ex took me there.  Tonight, as I walked by, I look inside and see my ex… with his new girlfriend.  Something about it just made me sad…

He was always trying to get back with me after we took a break in March.  He said he was happier, that he had everything under control, and that he was doing better.  The thought about getting back together with him though made me nervous.  Yes, I still liked him, I enjoyed his company, and I was always comfortable around him (something that I hadn’t experienced with previous boyfriends), but I knew that we couldn’t get back together and that our time had passed.  

This may only be my thinking, but getting back together with someone after you break up means something.  To me, it means that breaking up was a mistake.  That you love someone so much that you are willing to give them another try.  That you want to stay with them for the rest of your life.  I was just beginning sophomore year of college and had restricted myself from meeting new people.  I didn’t think I was ready to settle down with someone.

I told this to him when he asked why I had been distant and why I didn’t want to get back together with him.  He didn’t seem to understand.  Actually, he thought I was ridiculous.  ”You think I wanna MARRY you?!”  My heart broke a little when I heard that.  Was he just using me for hookups?  Why did he want to get back together with me then?  Don’t you date people in college to find potential lifelong partners?

I lost complete interest in him romantically and he eventually accepted that we would never date officially again.  But we still messaged, skyped, and occasionally made late night food runs together and chatted about our lives as good friends.  Just the way I wish we could have stayed.

Two weekends in a row, he asked me what I was up to.  I was at home one weekend, and at State the next.  The Sunday of State weekend we decided to order in some dinner and hang out.  It was great.  We talked about our weekends and we laughed at stupid stuff.  I was so happy to still be a part of his life, and he in mine.  The next weekend, though, everything started to change.

After days of no chatting (which was unusual for us), I decided to initiate a message.  He was more distant than usual.  ”Hey! What’s up??” “nm.” “How’d your creative writing story go?” “fine.” A convo that brought me back to the week before we broke up.  ”How’ve you been?” “good, actually”.  Something didn’t add up, so I asked him about his positive response.  ”I met a nice girl last weekend and I think I’m going to take her out to dinner Friday or Saturday night”.  ”That’s great! I’m happy for you” is all I could respond with, but my heart didn’t feel the same.  Last weekend was the weekend we had dinner together and had a good time.  I realized that he must have met her while I was at State with friends the night before.  I thought we could still be friends though.  I mean, we had such a good time the last time we hung out, so of course we could still be friends.  

Days later I thought I’d try chatting him again.  After the familiar one-worded answers, I finally confronted him.  ”Is there something wrong?” “No, why??” “You’ve been acting distant lately and like you don’t want to talk to me anymore” “I told you, I met a new girl”. Part of me couldn’t believe that he could move on so quickly after nearly begging me to get back with him all of September.  We ended the chat and I started crying.  If I just stayed home instead of going to State that weekend, he wouldn’t have met her.  I was mad at myself.  There was a part of me that wanted him to keep wanting me.  Maybe I still had feelings for him, but I knew that they were nothing to hold on to.

Nearly 2 months have passed and I can honestly say that I’m over the feelings I had for him.  When we run into each other now, we say hi, we catch up a little, we’re cordial, just like distant acquaintances.  The fact that we can still act like friends is enough closure for me to move on… or so I thought.  Now that I know who his new “girl” is, I am confused and a little uneasy.

She is my twin.  Not literally, of course.  But she looks just like me.  The only difference between the two of us is that she’s Indian (which I am also, but the Indian in me is camouflaged by my Japanese genes).  Hah, he must not be completely over me.  But why does this bother me so much!  Is she the better twin?

I should be writing an essay that is due next week, but I cannot stop thinking about my ex or his new girl.  Apparently, I am not over this and don’t know why.  I do think that I just wanted to be the one to move on, to prove that I could get anyone that I wanted.  Maybe I’m just selfish and didn’t want him to move on so quickly after he knew that he couldn’t get back with me.  Maybe because he seems happy…  

When I told my best friend about seeing him and my twin at Ayaka, and that I didn’t want to deal with men anymore, she was empathetic.  She had been having a hard time getting over a guy she was seeing earlier this year.  She sent me this text and I couldn’t have had a better friend to go through this with:

"We just need to stop investing ourselves in guys right now.  We need to get our shit together first."

The end of the year is approaching and it is time for a new beginning.  It is time for reflection on past experiences and time for self-renewal.  A new year will bring new things; I’m looking forward to the experiences and lessons that are in my future.  What about you?