My previous post, “life?” was written about a year ago on the dot. J and I since then have dated, dealt with various ups and downs, and just recently, broke up. I guess that’s what brought me back to my tumblr. I need a place to empty my thoughts.
J and I started dating that fall, a year after we met at his frat’s pregame house on a football Saturday. It definitely wasn’t “love at first sight”, but we hit it off really well. We exchanged numbers, then drunkenly went our own ways before kickoff against Nebraska.
It was so weird to be playing Nebraska again and to this time, be dating the goofy boy that was wearing a cowboy hat when my friend and I “chose” him to take pulls from the half gallon of peppermint schnops we found from the house next door.
I had the greatest year of my life. I was with a boy that I truly admired, deeply cared for, loved, and whom I could honestly call my best friend. I loved every moment I spent with him. He encouraged me, motivated me, and loved me in a way no one had before. I learned to care for someone, to express concerns, to share dreams, to be social, and to be confident in myself. For that, I will always be thankful. We had a rough beginning to our relationship (which may one day be discussed here), but I had no regrets giving a second chance for our relationship. I also have no regrets about ending it.
Last summer, even though I knew I loved him, I already knew that he wasn’t the one for me. Could we have made it through life together? I believe so. It wouldn’t have been the kind of marriage that you fantasize about — the attached-at-the-hip, completing-each-other’s-sentences, hot-steamy-sexy-love — but we would have been more the type of couple that accompanies the other during dinners, shows, or even just a walk in the park. A mere companionship, and nothing more.
A few weeks ago, we decided to break it off. It was evident that our relationship was boiling down to friendship. We never discussed our future together, but graduation only a year away, and both of us being very career-oriented, it was obvious that our paths weren’t going in the same direction. He wants to take a year or two off to volunteer abroad, and I am planning to go to Pharmacy schools months after graduating. There was no passion or desire in the relationship anymore.
When we did break up, I was surprised. Yes, I sobbed (not surprising), but I was also relieved. I can think of a few explanations. I love him, no doubts about it. I enjoyed every moment of our relationship. But what I was relieved about was knowing that we weren’t meant to be together. If a great guy like him wanted to be with me, and he helped me become a much better person, why would I want to be with anyone else, even if we weren’t quite perfect for each other?
If I knew we weren’t going to last, and had been worried that a great guy like him wasn’t perfect for me even if we did, why is it so hard for me to move on? I guess that’s how all break ups are.