Text

A year later…

My previous post, “life?” was written about a year ago on the dot.  J and I since then have dated, dealt with various ups and downs, and just recently, broke up.  I guess that’s what brought me back to my tumblr.  I need a place to empty my thoughts.

J and I started dating that fall, a year after we met at his frat’s pregame house on a football Saturday.  It definitely wasn’t “love at first sight”, but we hit it off really well.  We exchanged numbers, then drunkenly went our own ways before kickoff against Nebraska.  

It was so weird to be playing Nebraska again and to this time, be dating the goofy boy that was wearing a cowboy hat when my friend and I “chose” him to take pulls from the half gallon of peppermint schnops we found from the house next door.  

I had the greatest year of my life.  I was with a boy that I truly admired, deeply cared for, loved, and whom I could honestly call my best friend.  I loved every moment I spent with him.  He encouraged me, motivated me, and loved me in a way no one had before.  I learned to care for someone, to express concerns, to share dreams, to be social, and to be confident in myself.  For that, I will always be thankful.  We had a rough beginning to our relationship (which may one day be discussed here), but I had no regrets giving a second chance for our relationship.  I also have no regrets about ending it.

Last summer, even though I knew I loved him, I already knew that he wasn’t the one for me.  Could we have made it through life together?  I believe so.  It wouldn’t have been the kind of marriage that you fantasize about — the attached-at-the-hip, completing-each-other’s-sentences, hot-steamy-sexy-love — but we would have been more the type of couple that accompanies the other during dinners, shows, or even just a walk in the park.  A mere companionship, and nothing more.  

A few weeks ago, we decided to break it off.  It was evident that our relationship was boiling down to friendship.  We never discussed our future together, but graduation only a year away, and both of us being very career-oriented, it was obvious that our paths weren’t going in the same direction.  He wants to take a year or two off to volunteer abroad, and I am planning to go to Pharmacy schools months after graduating.  There was no passion or desire in the relationship anymore.

When we did break up, I was surprised.  Yes, I sobbed (not surprising), but I was also relieved.  I can think of a few explanations.  I love him, no doubts about it.  I enjoyed every moment of our relationship.  But what I was relieved about was knowing that we weren’t meant to be together.  If a great guy like him wanted to be with me, and he helped me become a much better person, why would I want to be with anyone else, even if we weren’t quite perfect for each other?

If I knew we weren’t going to last, and had been worried that a great guy like him wasn’t perfect for me even if we did, why is it so hard for me to move on?  I guess that’s how all break ups are.

Text

life?

The guy I’m currently seeing, J, is very philosophical.  He constantly makes it a point to bring up what the meaning of life means to him, and hasn’t seemed to be completely satisfied with my answer the two times he’s asked.  It’s kind of annoying, since the question itself seems so fake to me.  I mean, life is like a game: you live it by making decisions, tackling tasks one at a time to make the next chapter, making allies along the way, making sure to keep yourself alive, and aim for your personal goals at the end of it all.

To be honest, I don’t really remember what J’s opinion is.  Probably something about “living in the moment”, as that sounds like something he would say and believe.  When J first asked me what I thought the meaning of life was, I kind of bullshitted an answer.  Something along the lines of, “to be happy and to live life to its fullest”.  Sounded pleasing to me, at least to get him off my back about it at the time.  Probably unsatisfied with, and thus forgetting my shallow answer, Last Friday, he asked me again.  Expecting a more memorable, profound answer than the first time, he told me that I “should go outside. Lay out in the sun with some music, observe and feel nature, and think about the meaning of life”.  Kind of annoyed, I blew off the thought, but considered going outside more to work on my summer tan.

Today, inspired by my puppy’s desperation to lay outside (and mine to avoid physics homework due tomorrow), I finally took advantage of the sun.  I gathered my blanket, my pup, and Plath’s “The Bell Jar” and stationed myself out in my backyard for a nice afternoon basking in the sun while attempting to finish the novel I started a month ago.  After catching up where I left off, I realized why I stopped reading.  Esther, the main character, is in such a depressing state that it began to depress me.  Originally, I had picked up the book after reading good reviews about how Esther finds herself, as it related to my freshman year of college.  I continued reading anyway and began to thinking about my own life.  

I’m a kinesiology major at my university after being inspired by my mother’s recovery from a frozen shoulder thanks to the care of physical therapists.  I had my mind set on helping others like my mother by becoming one of these “heros” according to my mother.  However, after spending last summer volunteering at a physical therapy clinic and observing the physical therapists’ interactions with their patients, I began to doubt my aspiration.  Too many annoying patients.  Too many empty motivating comments.  I just couldn’t handle it and I only volunteered for a few hours a week.  I began to reconsider my future and landed on the idea of pharmacy.  Whether I handle the research or retail aspect, I would still be a part of the medical field, helping others get better and improve their state of being, and it was something that I felt fit my reserved, introverted personality better.

Finishing up a chapter of the novel, I decided to bask in the sun a little longer. Esther is contemplating various ways to commit suicide, feeling lost and unsure of what to do with herself.  She has lost interest in the vast world around her.  Contemplating this, I began to think about what J had been bothering me about this past month.  

Rather than a meaning of life, I like to think of it as the purpose of life.  I think it’s our goal to gain a complete understanding of ourselves and to better ourselves through observing others.  This is part of our purpose.  We also need to have goals, like my original “life is a game” answer.  In high school, our sole goal is to get to a good college, hearing that attending a good college will lead us to success and wealth in the future.  The only major decision we need to make is where we go once obtaining the high school diploma.  In college, we are finally faced with potentially life changing decisions like who we date and/or end up marrying or what we major in, which may directly affect our future careers.  

I realized out in my backyard that I do not have any set goals in mind.  I have a slight interest in pharmacy, but no “physical therapy clinic” experience to confirm a future profession.  

We also need to explore our interests and expand our knowledge.  Learn about the Health Care Act.  Visit Africa.  

Start being proactive. Live in the moment. Explore interests.

There are so many possibilities.  After college, I could take a year off, I could start working somewhere that my college concentration has no relation to, or I could go to grad school.  I have never been the most decisive person, and have thus stressed myself out over the possibilities and the “right” choice for me.  

This is when I realized that the meaning of life truly is to have a goal and to aim for it. To appreciate what life is now and the experiences that come with it.  To learn from others and experiences.  

I don’t expect people to read this, or even make it this far.  But if you do, please enlighten me with your thoughts about what you think the meaning of life is.

Text

The Amazing MJ.

My favorite movie of all time is This Is It, the MJ documentary of the King of Pop preparing for his last concert tour before he passed away.  When I’m home from school, it is the only movie I want to watch (along with Elf, of course).  People always look at me strange when I tell them this.  How can no one else appreciate such a legend like Michael Jackson??

Well, to be honest, I didn’t appreciate him until he passed and this fantastic documentary was released.  To watch him practice and perform leaves me utterly speechless every time I watch the movie.  I wish I realized how amazing and what a genius MJ was while he was still on Earth with us.  RIP MJ.

image

(Source: )

Text

2011: Lesson Learned.

As the year is coming to a close, I thought I’d reflect on the past year and talk about one of the most important lessons I’ve learned: To be patient, move on, never give up, and keep a positive outlook because good things will eventually follow.

It’s a pretty standard lesson that I think most people will realize at one point in their lives.  Hell, in a few months I’ll probably think that this was crap.  But this past semester made me realize the importance of this lesson so I’m going to stick with it for as long as I can.

If you’ve read my previous posts, you’ll know that my love life sucked the first half of the semester.  Actually, my academic life kinda sucked then also.  Everything seemed to be falling apart.  My ex moved on and replaced me by a girl who looked just like me, I was studying my ass off for exams only to get a D+ or C- on every one, I could never seem to catch my breath between work, research, school, dance, and friends. 

However, I kept going.  I knew I had to move on from my ex, I knew I just had to study even more, and I knew I had to sacrifce something so I could relax during the week.  Yes, I would still stalk my ex and his new girl, but I still went out on weekends and met new people.  I asked my boss to cut down my hours at work.  I went in during my professors’ office hours to get extra help and guidance.  I never saw immediate improvement in life, but I was hoping that it would all pay off… And at the end of the semester, it did.

I met a few new guys that have kept my mind off of my ex.  I’ve even been invited on a frat weekend ski trip as a date in January!  I honestly thought I was going to get two C’s, a B, and an A, but I ended the semester with A’s and one B.  All of my hard work paid off in the end.  I am so content with life now, and I am so glad that I didn’t let the negative parts of my life get to me when they happened, didn’t continue to be overwhelmed with everything that I’m doing, and made the small decisions that allowed me to end the semester so well.

So next time you think nothing can be done or you just want to give up, stop and think.  Life can easily turn around with a few good decisions and the motivation to move on.  Lesson learned.

Tags: lessons 2011 life
Text

To Dance or not to Dance.

One of my good friends (more like my little sister) showed me a ‘story’ she wrote.  A story about the current crossroad she’s at in her life whether to choose school or ballet after high school.  It reminded me of my junior year of high school when I also had to decide between the two.  

Any dancer knows that it’s hard to make be successful in the dance world.  Not only do dancers have to deal with the pressures to keep our facilities in top shape, but dancers also have to deal with the competition between friends for the last spot in a top dance company.  On top of that, thousands of dollars spent to perfect their technique to be reimbursed with a lower than minimum wage paycheck for a few golden years before a hip or knee replacement stops the career.  Is it worth it?  For many, it is; for me, I wasn’t sure.

The decision is clear and simple when you think about these facts.  Knowing this, I still had a hard time coming to terms that I would be giving up 14 years of dance to ‘train’ for a normal profession at a University.  Dancing was my passion and it almost seemed worth it to give up my private school education to pursue dance.  

Long story short, I decided to go to a top University instead of pursuing dance professionally.  But don’t think I gave up dance that easily.  I am a part of a recreational dance group on campus and I couldn’t be happier.  Compared to the 4 hours a day 5 days a week I was at the ballet studio, we practice about 3 times a week for a few hours and it’s usually pretty laid back since all of us focus on our grades.  Yeah, I wish I could still be a professional dancer or go to the studio more like in the past, but I am a dancer and I plan to keep that a part of my identity for as long as I can.

Text

It’s time for a new beginning.

My previous post was about my ex.  Well, so is this one.  

I promise, I am not grieving over our breakup.  But there’s something about him that I just cannot get over.  The fact that he has replaced me with an Indian version of myself may have something to do with it.  The fact that I wanted to be the one to move on first.  Or possibly because of the fact that I have not been single for years. Whatever reason, I need to vent about him.

Every time I walk by Ayaka, a Japanese restaurant, I always remember the time my ex took me there.  Tonight, as I walked by, I look inside and see my ex… with his new girlfriend.  Something about it just made me sad…

He was always trying to get back with me after we took a break in March.  He said he was happier, that he had everything under control, and that he was doing better.  The thought about getting back together with him though made me nervous.  Yes, I still liked him, I enjoyed his company, and I was always comfortable around him (something that I hadn’t experienced with previous boyfriends), but I knew that we couldn’t get back together and that our time had passed.  

This may only be my thinking, but getting back together with someone after you break up means something.  To me, it means that breaking up was a mistake.  That you love someone so much that you are willing to give them another try.  That you want to stay with them for the rest of your life.  I was just beginning sophomore year of college and had restricted myself from meeting new people.  I didn’t think I was ready to settle down with someone.

I told this to him when he asked why I had been distant and why I didn’t want to get back together with him.  He didn’t seem to understand.  Actually, he thought I was ridiculous.  ”You think I wanna MARRY you?!”  My heart broke a little when I heard that.  Was he just using me for hookups?  Why did he want to get back together with me then?  Don’t you date people in college to find potential lifelong partners?

I lost complete interest in him romantically and he eventually accepted that we would never date officially again.  But we still messaged, skyped, and occasionally made late night food runs together and chatted about our lives as good friends.  Just the way I wish we could have stayed.

Two weekends in a row, he asked me what I was up to.  I was at home one weekend, and at State the next.  The Sunday of State weekend we decided to order in some dinner and hang out.  It was great.  We talked about our weekends and we laughed at stupid stuff.  I was so happy to still be a part of his life, and he in mine.  The next weekend, though, everything started to change.

After days of no chatting (which was unusual for us), I decided to initiate a message.  He was more distant than usual.  ”Hey! What’s up??” “nm.” “How’d your creative writing story go?” “fine.” A convo that brought me back to the week before we broke up.  ”How’ve you been?” “good, actually”.  Something didn’t add up, so I asked him about his positive response.  ”I met a nice girl last weekend and I think I’m going to take her out to dinner Friday or Saturday night”.  ”That’s great! I’m happy for you” is all I could respond with, but my heart didn’t feel the same.  Last weekend was the weekend we had dinner together and had a good time.  I realized that he must have met her while I was at State with friends the night before.  I thought we could still be friends though.  I mean, we had such a good time the last time we hung out, so of course we could still be friends.  

Days later I thought I’d try chatting him again.  After the familiar one-worded answers, I finally confronted him.  ”Is there something wrong?” “No, why??” “You’ve been acting distant lately and like you don’t want to talk to me anymore” “I told you, I met a new girl”. Part of me couldn’t believe that he could move on so quickly after nearly begging me to get back with him all of September.  We ended the chat and I started crying.  If I just stayed home instead of going to State that weekend, he wouldn’t have met her.  I was mad at myself.  There was a part of me that wanted him to keep wanting me.  Maybe I still had feelings for him, but I knew that they were nothing to hold on to.

Nearly 2 months have passed and I can honestly say that I’m over the feelings I had for him.  When we run into each other now, we say hi, we catch up a little, we’re cordial, just like distant acquaintances.  The fact that we can still act like friends is enough closure for me to move on… or so I thought.  Now that I know who his new “girl” is, I am confused and a little uneasy.

She is my twin.  Not literally, of course.  But she looks just like me.  The only difference between the two of us is that she’s Indian (which I am also, but the Indian in me is camouflaged by my Japanese genes).  Hah, he must not be completely over me.  But why does this bother me so much!  Is she the better twin?

I should be writing an essay that is due next week, but I cannot stop thinking about my ex or his new girl.  Apparently, I am not over this and don’t know why.  I do think that I just wanted to be the one to move on, to prove that I could get anyone that I wanted.  Maybe I’m just selfish and didn’t want him to move on so quickly after he knew that he couldn’t get back with me.  Maybe because he seems happy…  

When I told my best friend about seeing him and my twin at Ayaka, and that I didn’t want to deal with men anymore, she was empathetic.  She had been having a hard time getting over a guy she was seeing earlier this year.  She sent me this text and I couldn’t have had a better friend to go through this with:

"We just need to stop investing ourselves in guys right now.  We need to get our shit together first."

The end of the year is approaching and it is time for a new beginning.  It is time for reflection on past experiences and time for self-renewal.  A new year will bring new things; I’m looking forward to the experiences and lessons that are in my future.  What about you?

Text

Happy Thanksgiving, XOXO GG.

Every year when Thanksgiving draws near, I’m always in the mood for a good ol’ marathon of Gossip Girl.  Season 1, in my opinion, was the best season so far.  It has one of my favorite episodes, “Blair Waldorf Must Pie”, which watching has become a tradition for me during this holiday.

image

If you’re a Gossip Girl fan like I am, but forgot about the episode, here is a synopsis from imdb:

Although it is Thanksgiving, hardly anyone has the holiday spirit. Blair and Serena have a fight once Serena admits that she saw Blair with Chuck, and Blair orders Serena to keep it to herself. Meanwhile, Nate and his family share a strained Thanksgiving meal before Mr. Archibald ends up in the hospital after a suicide attempt. Having been uninvited by Blair to the Waldorf Thanksgiving meal, the Van der Woodson family has dinner with the Humphreys at their loft in Brooklyn, and the tension between Lily, Allison, and Rufus is palpable. Back in Manhattan in the Waldorf penthouse, Blair revisits her bout of bulimia after discovering that her mother forbade her father to join them for Thanksgiving. Throughout the entire episode, there are flashbacks of last year’s Thanksgiving involving how Dan met an stoned Serena for the first time as well as Blair’s Thanksgiving with her father and mother before their seperation. There is a stark contrast between its joy and the present’s strife. 

Although it sounds like an awful Thanksgiving, and an even more awful ting to watch, in the end, Gossip Girl reminds us the importance of family and friends in our lives, and through the struggles and strife, we should all be thankful for the people in our lives.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

XOXO,
The Only Girl. 

(Source: imdb.com)

Text

Ugh.

Why does it seem like you never run into the people you want to see, but then always run into the people you don’t want to see?

It’s happened a few times already this week with my ex boyfriend.

I’ve only known him for a year, and we only dated a few months, but seriously? Besides the first night we met, we have only run into each other around campus once during the 10 minute passing time between classes.  Now that we’ve broken up, I have seen him so many times in the past week. 

Ugh, I feel like this always happens. Is this a sign of some sort?

But then again, today, I was hit on by a few men.  Maybe another sign?
Hope he was watching. 

Tags: sign? ex
Video

University of Michigan vs. Notre Dame Under the Lights Game
The last touch down 

Chat

Love them.

  • Last night, three of my friends and I went out and found a bottle of energy pills at a frat and stole them. We pretended that they were "boner pills". We later found a peddicab and decided to take it to our next destination...
  • (After a few minutes in the peddicab)
  • Peddicab driver: Where am I going now, ladies?
  • Patty: You, sir, are not answering my question! Would you like a boner pill!?
  • Colleen: That means go straight...